From a dear friend

At the beginning of summer, I met a man on one of those singles web sites. We knew that there was no physical attraction there (on my side anyway) but we formed a very nice friendship. The other day, I changed my facebook profile picture and he decided to write the following about my smile. Talk about making a girl melt. He is a muscian and likes to dable in poetry. I just wanted to share.

Inside of her Smile

I remember thinking of a woman I know
There was something about her, a hidden glow
Not as I see her on any given day
But a portrait she showed me, her smile gave away
This smile was real and not one in jest
The sparkling eyes, I was so impressed
Emitting a radiance where truth can take hold
No Woman is absent, no Woman too old
Determined then, in my mind to set free
This wonderful secret I thought I could see
Perhaps this is part of all Woman I've known
If sadness is hindered, then innocence is shown
Then suddenly it came to me, it came in a flash
In every face feature and every eye lash
For if you look deeper, you'll see its worthwhile
There still lives that little girl, inside of her smile

Robert Wood January 26th, 2009

Finding my way

I really need to start posting again. I forgot how much I enjoyed being able to use this as an outlet and being able to read other posts. I was always a bit jealous at some of the others that I follow as their ability to come up with interesting topics always amazed me. Mine are boring to say the least but being able to put thoughts/feelings down without judgement is a wonderful thing.

I've been doing alot of self discovery lately. Although I may not have liked everything I've discovered so far, it's brought me to a new place in my life. Feb. 3 I have an appointment with the admissions people at the Tech School in my town. I'm going to hopefully start taking generals then go in to the nursing program once my daughter graduates high school. I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. Considering the fact that I really sucked at high school, I'm not totally convinced that I can accomplish this without my head exploding but I'm willing to give it a shot. I might look stupid wearing the helmet but at least it would keep the mess down.

I'm also counting down to Feb. 21st. That's the day 10 of us leave for Cancun for 7 whole days. With it being so freaking cold in MN lately, I'm really anxious for a beach, and ocean and alot of sun. And a few of them umbrella drinks wouldn't be so bad either!

My two legged kids are doing well. 16 and female can make for a lethal combination in our home but we are working through it. 19 and male....well, he's stubborn like his father (nothing like me what-so-ever) and there are days I would like to put him through a wall. But all in all, they are great kids and just keeping their mom on her toes.

No the four legged kids are a different story. Lucy, who is the oldest, is the most hyer but she doesn't go potty in the house any more. Chops, the boxer is a total shithead and is asking to be eliminated from the face of the earth. Billy, the mini weiner dog is quite possibly the dumbest dog I've ever met. At nearly 6 months old, he pees in his bed and lays on the puppy pad. Goes outside but then comes in and potty's in the house. Wines excessively while in his kennel and barks at the cat, whom is the best behaved 4 legged I own. Chops and Billy will be going under the knife Tuesday. I almost did it myself but decided to have a little mercy on them and made the appointments with the vet. Lucky for them they are so cute.....not really but I keep telling myself that.

Still working, no dating, hangin with friends....that's life in a nut shell. No funny stories, no intersting topics. But I did want to thank the ladies for giving me a little feedback on my previous post. I will update you by saying that she has decided to go to prom with another boy and then go out to dinner with my son after. At this point, I have opted to take the silent approach. I will not get involved and I told her mother I feel it's best if she doesn't either. They have been going out long enough now that they need to work it out together.

Poll

My son, 19 (we be 20 next month) has been dating a girl for 2 1/2 years. She is a senior in high school. Prom is coming up and we got in to a discussion last night about him taking her to prom. He stated that she will have to find another date because he would look stupid going at 20 and wouldn't have anyone else there his age. I told him that it wasn't about him and he should take her as it is more special to the girl. My daughter agreed with him. What do you think? Am I out of line telling him he should take her?

Lost

Have you ever felt like you were truly happy in your life but yet felt so utterly lost? Made decisions only to find yourself so riddled with guilt over those decisions that it nearly wrips you in half?

I almost feel as if I have reached a crossroads in my life. A large part of me is very content with being single and on my own. I enjoy my independance, my ability to do things that I want to do without that other person in my life. Talk to others, meet new people, experience new things. And yet there is another side of me that feels so completely lonely at times that it hurts, huts bad. I hate times like these. Today has been one of those days. I don't know if it's the holiday or if it's recent decisions I've made in my life that are just catching up with me.

I find myself filled with questions, lots of questions. Do I want to go back to school? What would I do for a living? Outside of work, the gym and going to the bar, what can I do with myself? How can I make new friends?

Then I go to the other questions, the ones that haunt me on days like today, when I'm feeling sad. Why aren't decent men attracted to me? Why is it that people don't date anymore, they just "hook" up? Why can't men understand that just being honest is so much easier to deal with then if you lie? Just say it like it is, it may hurt but at least there is nothing to question, there's no room for confusion, noone's left feeling like a jerk.

I'm happy and content with my life, I really am. I just want something more fullfilling, something that helps me feel like I'm accomplishing something with my life.

Any suggestions?

Another new family member

Ok, so I know I'm crazy and now it's more apparent than ever. My daughter came home with Billy Friday night and he's here to stay.

And this is Bella, she's just letting Billy know that the bed will be hers before he can lay in it.

A mighty fine reminder

A friend sent this to me via Facebook today and I needed to post it.

You are single, make the best of it.
It DOESN'T mean you're not good enough,
It means noone is good enough for you.

I needed that one today. Funny how sometimes little "self-worth" reminders just seem to fall in your lap.

Have a wonderful weekend. I will be posting pics from our trip to Florida soon.

My new addiction......Edamame

I have a new addiction. It's all girl B's fault. I was going about my life eating half assed ok, cheating occassionally (everyday lately) when I spent a relaxing weekend with her at her cabin. She was preparing dinner and decided to introduce me to this delightful little bean. Once that can be steamed and enjoyed in less than 5 minutes. The fun part is that you have to pop them out of their hairy little housing to enjoy. I had to make a stop at Trader Joes over the weekend to pick up four bags, one of which is sitting in the freezer here at work. I get a bowl from the cafeteria and some saran wrap. Pour in the beans, add a little pepper and water, nuke for 3 minutes and I have a wonderful snack. I have now passed on this little delight to the woman who sits next to me and she found them in the natural department at Cub. In the freezer section, totally naked from being already removed from the hairy pod. I was excited at the idea of being able to pick these up for salads and soups but I must admit that I will continue to eat them from the pod for snacks.

So thanks B for enlighting me in the snacking arena. I'm enjoying these little green wonders and hopefully, so will my waistline!

It's Friday

It's been a long week for some reason and I havent' felt like much of anything really. It's funny how we can go through a day with all sorts of things going on yet have nothing to talk about. I have found it difficult to get on here and have something of substance to write about, something witty to say. I feel like my life is almost in a holding pattern right now, just waiting for something fantastic to happen. I've been spending alot of time in my own head (scary place) trying to figure out what I want to do with myself. Going back to school has come up a number of times, but I have NO clue what I want to be when I grow up. Taking generals just for the hell of it doesn't excite me at all. I did join a single volunteer group but am disappointed at the locations of the events. I am in Wisconsin close to the Minnesota border. Most of the activities are in the western part of Minnesota. That means, from work it wouldn't be a bad drive to the event. It's getting home after that makes me a bit leary of attending. Especially if it's on a week night. I have found one that meets once a month that is only about 5 miles from work, which is fine with me. It's for Feed My Starving Children and they meet once a month. Oddly enough, there just aren't a whole lot of volunteer opportunities in my area. At least they aren't easy to find. I don't want another job because that would require me to be somewhere and away from the kids. Volunteering would allow me to do things when I am not taking away from my children.

Wednesday seemed to be the day for interesting people in DT St Paul. I was outside enjoying the weather when I saw the following: (taken from an email to girl B regarding my petty moment)

Girl, long hair, pulled in to a side pony with a navy blue scrunchie. Snap barretts holding the little pieces. Torn, streched out bright orange t-shirt hanging off one shoulder with a pick tank under neath. Jeans pulled up under the boobs and the old school high tops.

Parachute pants, disco fever shiny shirt and black pumps.

Light peach shiny zip up with the small elastic around the bottom, big collar. Blonde 80's hair and you know what I mean with that!

Yesterday at lunch was the lady with the florescent orange earrings in the shape of the peace sign. They were about as big as the top of a pop can. Jean jacket with the grey leather fringe funning from wrist to wrist across her back. I think she might have even pinned the bottom of her rolled jeans. She appeared to be approximately 55 years old.

I've heard DT Minneapolis is even better but I have never been a fan of that city. You can get in, but you can't get out!

Tonight we are going to the homecoming football game then to our favorite stopping ground for a few. Tomorrow, kitty gets a trip to the vet at 9, baby shower at 11 in the cities then hopefully some shoe therapy with girl B. Sunday looks like chore day and movies.

Enjoy your weekend!

My yard

My goal is to get the yard looking good before my daughter graduates high school. So we started this weekend with putting up a retaining wall. I can't wait to start planting so if you have any ideas for flowers, please let me know. I have a great group of friends that did this for me and I am very excited about how it will look when it's completed.

Tuesday & WWC

It's Tuesday and it's beautiful outside. Of course it rained all weekend and was cold. But now that we are back at work, it's beautiful outside. It's a damn good thing I love my job so much or I would just quit, stay home and enjoy the warm days while we have them. Living in the midwest is a challenge at times. Summers are gorgeous and far too short. I am a sun worshiper which means that the tanning bed is my best friend in the winter. People give me shit about it but I just let them know that I'm going for the leather handbag look by 45 and I have alot of work to do to reach that goal! (besides....isn't that what botox is for????)

Can you tell I'm reaching for topics to blog about at this time? I'm afraid my mind has been detoured by an event in my life that slightly derailed me. I thought when I left my ex, I was leaving drama behind. However, that nasty little being keeps finding me. I won't go in to detail about what happened as it's painful and I have found another outlet for that pain. This blog has become my place for fun and laughter. I still read every blog on my list (even if I was removed from some because I don't post that often...thanks Jay) and I leave comments occassionally. I'm looking forward to getting "ME" back and resume my place here in the blogsphere. Even if it was low man on the totem pole to the likes of Tink, Newt and Jay.

I'm all excited! I am copying girl B and bought myself a new digital camera today. I can't wait to get it in the mail and start taking some pictures that I hope can be half as beautiful as hers. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the other cameras I have at home. One of which is a 35MM film camera that I have loved. I guess I will hang on to it for properity sake. And I do have someone that borrows it from me occassionally to take pics of the softball team, so I think it's worth keeping. My small digital takes great pics and is easy to carry when we go to the fair so that one I should hold on to. My son bought me a bigger digital for my birthday but it's the same as my daughters and I just can't seem to get the thing to take very good pics. Very disappointing.

Ok, now for WWC. I'm pulling from the archives here.

Male idea of drinking a beer.

Female version of drinking a beer

Male looking to the future

Female trying to teach redneck male how to dance (yes, that's my son)

Sunday night

It's sunday night and I'm sitting on the couch relaxing after a wonderful weekend up north. I do believe I've gained at least 5lbs but it was totally worth it. I guess I will just have to work harder at the gym this week.

I'm watching my favorite show...Army Wives. This is the only show that I need to watch every week. Now I must admit that I've missed the past few weeks but this show has become my guilty pleasure. Tonight the story line goes to one of the wives who's son is also enlisted. They were at a funeral for a fallen soldier and the very next day, he son must leave for Iraq. She stood there on the tarmack, strong and proud of her son. I sit here and wretch my heart out over the thought of having to do that myself. I'm so very proud of his decision to serve his country and I support him 100%. I just to be able to be strong for him when he needs me to be.

He's out hunting this weekend. Bow opener in our neck of the woods and he might have gotten himself one. The kids are out tracking it right now. I know how excited he is to be able to provide for us and it gives him such pride to put meat in the freezer that he got himself. How things have changed since we moved to the country.

It's been a while since I've posted pics so here's a few from the MN State Fair.

Lil A and I

My newphew Lil A and her new shades

AAAAHHHHHH Yes......

Counting down the minutes to leaving work, hooking up with girl B and head to the north. A weekend of rest, relax, food, drinks, scrapbooking and reading. Oh and maybe a movie or two. Should be wonderful.

Enjoy your weekend!

My one and only political post

I don't usually voice my opinions on politics because I respect everyone's opinions even if I may not agree. But I just had to share this video.

God Bless our Troops and what they stand for!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG4fe9GlWS8

Happy Birthday

Today would have been his 48th Birthday.

It would have also been our 18th wedding anniversary.

My son will have to take me for a ride on his Harley tonight.

Steak dinner on the grill in his honor.

My how so much anger can melt away and you can be left with good thoughts and memories.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN! I'm sure you're making it count.

Random thoughts of actness

Bella's favorite place to sleep

What is this?

My Baby is 16 today

My sweet girl. Today you are 16. Hard to believe when I can still see you in your Cindy Loo Hoo pig tails and your chubby cheeks. You were the best toddler ever. You never got mad, you hugged everything and had the patience of a saint. You smiled at everyone. Your eyes were full of life from the minute you woke up until you went to bed. You wouldn't sleep all night but were still so very happy the next day, unlike your mother. You have always wanted to hang with the boys more than the girls. Your brother has been your hero whether you want to admit to that or not. You may have fought, you even started a few, but you were always happiest just being around him. You loved your dad, even at his worst. You were the one that always had a hug for him and a smile. And you were the one who remained strong in her convictions of not talking to him while he was using. You were strong, I admire you for that and you should never blame yourself for the outcome of that situation. Just know that he is looking down on your right now with more love than you can imagine.

The past years have been a blessing to me. You are a light in my life that I thank God for you daily. You make me laugh, you piss me off, but I appreciate the relationship that we have. I'm grateful for the fact that you talk to me, you're honest (for the most part) with me and I hope it can stay that way. I pray that the years ahead of us will bring us closer together and our relationship stronger.

Enjoy your day Baby Girl. You are beautiful, both inside and out. You are loved and you are wonderful.

Four Legged Update

Miss Lucy joined mommy in the Happy Hallow Club on Friday. She spent the night at the vet and came home on Saturday. She is still pretty quiet and looks at me like I'm the bitch who broke her spirit. It breaks my heart to look at her little face so sad.

Chops, the dog that I didn't think I could possible bond with, has become my favorite to come home to. That little butt of his wiggles so fast he nearly knocks himself over. He appears to be smart, he catches on to everything BUT potty outside.

Now we have a new family member, Bella. A friend of lil Al's had a litter and when I saw her, I just couldn't help myself. She is just gorgeous and has been a wonderful addition to our family.

Everything else is going good. I talked to my doc last week about how I've been feeling lately and we have decided to go another route. I spoke to a woman today that treats people with natural products. Through our conversation, we think we figured out what's going on with my body. I'm so excited to get on the supplements and diet program to get my body back to where it needs to be. The really cool part is that I won't need to be on these things forever. We get my body back in whack and get to feeling "normal" again. It will take some getting use to but I know it's going to make a world of difference. Wish me luck!

Have a wonderful rest of the week.

It's time

It's time to get my priorities straight. I haven't been a very good blogger lately and it's time to get back in to it.

Last night's events inspired me to get out here and write again.

I saw him last night. For the first time in 13 years, since his father's funeral, he came to volleyball. I had spent a better part of my day a nervous wreck at the thought of seeing him again. Why? After all these years would that affect me so much?

I could tell it was him from across the courts. His walk is still the same. He called me Dots, just like always. He looked good, a little grey, a little wrinkled around the eyes. But he looked good. He's losing some of his hair from the mediation he's on for the arthritis, but he looked good.

We made small talk for a while, talked with others. He kept calling me beautiful. Said his body just wasn't the same, that it was failing him. Said that he thought we would have been happy. Kept say......The What If's. That he thinks about me all the time.

I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I cried alot last night. The past flooded through me with such force that I could hardly breath. I thought of the most painful time in our relationship and how we could never take that back. No matter how badly we both wanted to. It's still so very raw in my soul and there isn't a day that I don't think about what happened. I have to wonder if that's what we hold on to, that's the one tie that will bind us forever. Letting go of that could possibly help us let go of the past and each other and really move on.

Thing is that I feel pretty stupid at this point. I mean, seriously! I'm stronger than this. I've been through an awful lot since that point in my life and I'm not proud of falling apart over something so old and obviously so very over. Do we ever really let go of past pain, hurt and guilt or does it just hang on in the dark corners of our souls waiting for the right moment to pounce? Jesus! How pathetic do I sound? I think I'm going to kick my own ass!

Enough. Missed you all! Have a good one.

Shutting down

I've felt myself shutting down a bit lately. I realize that I have an awful lot of self healing that I need to do. But where do you begin. I've been wanting to sleep all the time and I really don't have the energy to accomplish things like I use to. I'm sure it's a bit of depression but I know this too shall pass. I am in my third week with the personal trainer and I really love how I feel when I leave the gym. I have even pushed myself hard to go in on the days in between to do cardio. Sweating always seems to help.

So, I haven't been out here to post because I just don't have anything that exciting. And what little creativity I did have has gone on vacation.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

Love!

It's official........

A little while back, Adora posted about a web site called BeautifulPeople.com. You have to apply to this site, send in a pic and people already accepted get to vote on whether or not you are a "beautiful person". Because I was trying desperately to think of anything else to do besides work, I decided this might be fun. I filled out their little ap and put something short and sweet in my profile. I also attached this picture:

What I didn't realize is that for 3 days after you end in your application, you can log on and watch how people are voting for you. The have this special little line graph that has like 3 different categories where people rank you. Yes, Maybe and Hell No (for lack of me remembering). By the time I realized this, it was too late and all they told me was that 3 men out of Lord knows how many decided that they would be interested in me. Last night I finally received this in my inbox:

BP InfoYour application to BeautifulPeople Network was not successful, the members of BP did not find your profile attractive enough this time round.Please note, that only one in five applicants are currently making it into BeautifulPeople Network.You are more than welcome to try again, perhaps with a better picture or more interesting profile text.We wish you every success.Sincerely,BeautifulPeople NetworkPlease remember you may try again at any time.

Imagine my devastation when I read that I was not considered worth of being added to their wonderful site. I cried hysterically for hours. Mounds of kleenex currently cover my floor and my eyes are nearly swollen completely shut. Right! I was able to read some of the chats going on between some of those "beautiful people" and didn't see anything real beautiful about them. Caddy, bitchy and rude were about it. So, I am happy to say that I am not a beautiful person. I'm real good with not being a beautiful person.