Have you ever felt like you were truly happy in your life but yet felt so utterly lost? Made decisions only to find yourself so riddled with guilt over those decisions that it nearly wrips you in half?
I almost feel as if I have reached a crossroads in my life. A large part of me is very content with being single and on my own. I enjoy my independance, my ability to do things that I want to do without that other person in my life. Talk to others, meet new people, experience new things. And yet there is another side of me that feels so completely lonely at times that it hurts, huts bad. I hate times like these. Today has been one of those days. I don't know if it's the holiday or if it's recent decisions I've made in my life that are just catching up with me.
I find myself filled with questions, lots of questions. Do I want to go back to school? What would I do for a living? Outside of work, the gym and going to the bar, what can I do with myself? How can I make new friends?
Then I go to the other questions, the ones that haunt me on days like today, when I'm feeling sad. Why aren't decent men attracted to me? Why is it that people don't date anymore, they just "hook" up? Why can't men understand that just being honest is so much easier to deal with then if you lie? Just say it like it is, it may hurt but at least there is nothing to question, there's no room for confusion, noone's left feeling like a jerk.
I'm happy and content with my life, I really am. I just want something more fullfilling, something that helps me feel like I'm accomplishing something with my life.
Any suggestions?
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1 comment:
I just got back from hiatus and replied to those people who wished me well when I left yesterday, then everyone else today, or I would have been here straight away, right when you posted.
OK, I've never been single. I mean, I've been single, but way back in high school, in the 80's. I married at 18 to a schoolmate, the guy I started dating at 16, and I'm still with him at 38.
What I can say is I feel like I never truly got any "me" time to figure myself out. Like in my twenties, I had my babies and my husband, and it was all them them them. It kind of still is.
At 18, even though childless, I was playing housewife, cook, maid, etc. I should have been at school learning something.
I think once you stop looking for something, that's right when you find it. I believe in projection, in how you see yourself, in pulling things in because that's how you are so I think if you want something, you have to be the something you want.
Don't hang around cheap places or cheap men. Hold onto your high standards and believe you deserve someone with the same in return. Take care of yourself the absolutely best way you can and before you know it, you'll be feeling complete and probably inundated with guys who also feel the same way. Like they deserve a good life partner instead of a bar skank.
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