Lost

Have you ever felt like you were truly happy in your life but yet felt so utterly lost? Made decisions only to find yourself so riddled with guilt over those decisions that it nearly wrips you in half?

I almost feel as if I have reached a crossroads in my life. A large part of me is very content with being single and on my own. I enjoy my independance, my ability to do things that I want to do without that other person in my life. Talk to others, meet new people, experience new things. And yet there is another side of me that feels so completely lonely at times that it hurts, huts bad. I hate times like these. Today has been one of those days. I don't know if it's the holiday or if it's recent decisions I've made in my life that are just catching up with me.

I find myself filled with questions, lots of questions. Do I want to go back to school? What would I do for a living? Outside of work, the gym and going to the bar, what can I do with myself? How can I make new friends?

Then I go to the other questions, the ones that haunt me on days like today, when I'm feeling sad. Why aren't decent men attracted to me? Why is it that people don't date anymore, they just "hook" up? Why can't men understand that just being honest is so much easier to deal with then if you lie? Just say it like it is, it may hurt but at least there is nothing to question, there's no room for confusion, noone's left feeling like a jerk.

I'm happy and content with my life, I really am. I just want something more fullfilling, something that helps me feel like I'm accomplishing something with my life.

Any suggestions?

Another new family member

Ok, so I know I'm crazy and now it's more apparent than ever. My daughter came home with Billy Friday night and he's here to stay.

And this is Bella, she's just letting Billy know that the bed will be hers before he can lay in it.

A mighty fine reminder

A friend sent this to me via Facebook today and I needed to post it.

You are single, make the best of it.
It DOESN'T mean you're not good enough,
It means noone is good enough for you.

I needed that one today. Funny how sometimes little "self-worth" reminders just seem to fall in your lap.

Have a wonderful weekend. I will be posting pics from our trip to Florida soon.

My new addiction......Edamame

I have a new addiction. It's all girl B's fault. I was going about my life eating half assed ok, cheating occassionally (everyday lately) when I spent a relaxing weekend with her at her cabin. She was preparing dinner and decided to introduce me to this delightful little bean. Once that can be steamed and enjoyed in less than 5 minutes. The fun part is that you have to pop them out of their hairy little housing to enjoy. I had to make a stop at Trader Joes over the weekend to pick up four bags, one of which is sitting in the freezer here at work. I get a bowl from the cafeteria and some saran wrap. Pour in the beans, add a little pepper and water, nuke for 3 minutes and I have a wonderful snack. I have now passed on this little delight to the woman who sits next to me and she found them in the natural department at Cub. In the freezer section, totally naked from being already removed from the hairy pod. I was excited at the idea of being able to pick these up for salads and soups but I must admit that I will continue to eat them from the pod for snacks.

So thanks B for enlighting me in the snacking arena. I'm enjoying these little green wonders and hopefully, so will my waistline!

It's Friday

It's been a long week for some reason and I havent' felt like much of anything really. It's funny how we can go through a day with all sorts of things going on yet have nothing to talk about. I have found it difficult to get on here and have something of substance to write about, something witty to say. I feel like my life is almost in a holding pattern right now, just waiting for something fantastic to happen. I've been spending alot of time in my own head (scary place) trying to figure out what I want to do with myself. Going back to school has come up a number of times, but I have NO clue what I want to be when I grow up. Taking generals just for the hell of it doesn't excite me at all. I did join a single volunteer group but am disappointed at the locations of the events. I am in Wisconsin close to the Minnesota border. Most of the activities are in the western part of Minnesota. That means, from work it wouldn't be a bad drive to the event. It's getting home after that makes me a bit leary of attending. Especially if it's on a week night. I have found one that meets once a month that is only about 5 miles from work, which is fine with me. It's for Feed My Starving Children and they meet once a month. Oddly enough, there just aren't a whole lot of volunteer opportunities in my area. At least they aren't easy to find. I don't want another job because that would require me to be somewhere and away from the kids. Volunteering would allow me to do things when I am not taking away from my children.

Wednesday seemed to be the day for interesting people in DT St Paul. I was outside enjoying the weather when I saw the following: (taken from an email to girl B regarding my petty moment)

Girl, long hair, pulled in to a side pony with a navy blue scrunchie. Snap barretts holding the little pieces. Torn, streched out bright orange t-shirt hanging off one shoulder with a pick tank under neath. Jeans pulled up under the boobs and the old school high tops.

Parachute pants, disco fever shiny shirt and black pumps.

Light peach shiny zip up with the small elastic around the bottom, big collar. Blonde 80's hair and you know what I mean with that!

Yesterday at lunch was the lady with the florescent orange earrings in the shape of the peace sign. They were about as big as the top of a pop can. Jean jacket with the grey leather fringe funning from wrist to wrist across her back. I think she might have even pinned the bottom of her rolled jeans. She appeared to be approximately 55 years old.

I've heard DT Minneapolis is even better but I have never been a fan of that city. You can get in, but you can't get out!

Tonight we are going to the homecoming football game then to our favorite stopping ground for a few. Tomorrow, kitty gets a trip to the vet at 9, baby shower at 11 in the cities then hopefully some shoe therapy with girl B. Sunday looks like chore day and movies.

Enjoy your weekend!

My yard

My goal is to get the yard looking good before my daughter graduates high school. So we started this weekend with putting up a retaining wall. I can't wait to start planting so if you have any ideas for flowers, please let me know. I have a great group of friends that did this for me and I am very excited about how it will look when it's completed.

Tuesday & WWC

It's Tuesday and it's beautiful outside. Of course it rained all weekend and was cold. But now that we are back at work, it's beautiful outside. It's a damn good thing I love my job so much or I would just quit, stay home and enjoy the warm days while we have them. Living in the midwest is a challenge at times. Summers are gorgeous and far too short. I am a sun worshiper which means that the tanning bed is my best friend in the winter. People give me shit about it but I just let them know that I'm going for the leather handbag look by 45 and I have alot of work to do to reach that goal! (besides....isn't that what botox is for????)

Can you tell I'm reaching for topics to blog about at this time? I'm afraid my mind has been detoured by an event in my life that slightly derailed me. I thought when I left my ex, I was leaving drama behind. However, that nasty little being keeps finding me. I won't go in to detail about what happened as it's painful and I have found another outlet for that pain. This blog has become my place for fun and laughter. I still read every blog on my list (even if I was removed from some because I don't post that often...thanks Jay) and I leave comments occassionally. I'm looking forward to getting "ME" back and resume my place here in the blogsphere. Even if it was low man on the totem pole to the likes of Tink, Newt and Jay.

I'm all excited! I am copying girl B and bought myself a new digital camera today. I can't wait to get it in the mail and start taking some pictures that I hope can be half as beautiful as hers. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the other cameras I have at home. One of which is a 35MM film camera that I have loved. I guess I will hang on to it for properity sake. And I do have someone that borrows it from me occassionally to take pics of the softball team, so I think it's worth keeping. My small digital takes great pics and is easy to carry when we go to the fair so that one I should hold on to. My son bought me a bigger digital for my birthday but it's the same as my daughters and I just can't seem to get the thing to take very good pics. Very disappointing.

Ok, now for WWC. I'm pulling from the archives here.

Male idea of drinking a beer.

Female version of drinking a beer

Male looking to the future

Female trying to teach redneck male how to dance (yes, that's my son)

Sunday night

It's sunday night and I'm sitting on the couch relaxing after a wonderful weekend up north. I do believe I've gained at least 5lbs but it was totally worth it. I guess I will just have to work harder at the gym this week.

I'm watching my favorite show...Army Wives. This is the only show that I need to watch every week. Now I must admit that I've missed the past few weeks but this show has become my guilty pleasure. Tonight the story line goes to one of the wives who's son is also enlisted. They were at a funeral for a fallen soldier and the very next day, he son must leave for Iraq. She stood there on the tarmack, strong and proud of her son. I sit here and wretch my heart out over the thought of having to do that myself. I'm so very proud of his decision to serve his country and I support him 100%. I just to be able to be strong for him when he needs me to be.

He's out hunting this weekend. Bow opener in our neck of the woods and he might have gotten himself one. The kids are out tracking it right now. I know how excited he is to be able to provide for us and it gives him such pride to put meat in the freezer that he got himself. How things have changed since we moved to the country.

It's been a while since I've posted pics so here's a few from the MN State Fair.

Lil A and I

My newphew Lil A and her new shades

AAAAHHHHHH Yes......

Counting down the minutes to leaving work, hooking up with girl B and head to the north. A weekend of rest, relax, food, drinks, scrapbooking and reading. Oh and maybe a movie or two. Should be wonderful.

Enjoy your weekend!

My one and only political post

I don't usually voice my opinions on politics because I respect everyone's opinions even if I may not agree. But I just had to share this video.

God Bless our Troops and what they stand for!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG4fe9GlWS8

Happy Birthday

Today would have been his 48th Birthday.

It would have also been our 18th wedding anniversary.

My son will have to take me for a ride on his Harley tonight.

Steak dinner on the grill in his honor.

My how so much anger can melt away and you can be left with good thoughts and memories.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN! I'm sure you're making it count.

Random thoughts of actness

Bella's favorite place to sleep

What is this?

My Baby is 16 today

My sweet girl. Today you are 16. Hard to believe when I can still see you in your Cindy Loo Hoo pig tails and your chubby cheeks. You were the best toddler ever. You never got mad, you hugged everything and had the patience of a saint. You smiled at everyone. Your eyes were full of life from the minute you woke up until you went to bed. You wouldn't sleep all night but were still so very happy the next day, unlike your mother. You have always wanted to hang with the boys more than the girls. Your brother has been your hero whether you want to admit to that or not. You may have fought, you even started a few, but you were always happiest just being around him. You loved your dad, even at his worst. You were the one that always had a hug for him and a smile. And you were the one who remained strong in her convictions of not talking to him while he was using. You were strong, I admire you for that and you should never blame yourself for the outcome of that situation. Just know that he is looking down on your right now with more love than you can imagine.

The past years have been a blessing to me. You are a light in my life that I thank God for you daily. You make me laugh, you piss me off, but I appreciate the relationship that we have. I'm grateful for the fact that you talk to me, you're honest (for the most part) with me and I hope it can stay that way. I pray that the years ahead of us will bring us closer together and our relationship stronger.

Enjoy your day Baby Girl. You are beautiful, both inside and out. You are loved and you are wonderful.

Four Legged Update

Miss Lucy joined mommy in the Happy Hallow Club on Friday. She spent the night at the vet and came home on Saturday. She is still pretty quiet and looks at me like I'm the bitch who broke her spirit. It breaks my heart to look at her little face so sad.

Chops, the dog that I didn't think I could possible bond with, has become my favorite to come home to. That little butt of his wiggles so fast he nearly knocks himself over. He appears to be smart, he catches on to everything BUT potty outside.

Now we have a new family member, Bella. A friend of lil Al's had a litter and when I saw her, I just couldn't help myself. She is just gorgeous and has been a wonderful addition to our family.

Everything else is going good. I talked to my doc last week about how I've been feeling lately and we have decided to go another route. I spoke to a woman today that treats people with natural products. Through our conversation, we think we figured out what's going on with my body. I'm so excited to get on the supplements and diet program to get my body back to where it needs to be. The really cool part is that I won't need to be on these things forever. We get my body back in whack and get to feeling "normal" again. It will take some getting use to but I know it's going to make a world of difference. Wish me luck!

Have a wonderful rest of the week.

It's time

It's time to get my priorities straight. I haven't been a very good blogger lately and it's time to get back in to it.

Last night's events inspired me to get out here and write again.

I saw him last night. For the first time in 13 years, since his father's funeral, he came to volleyball. I had spent a better part of my day a nervous wreck at the thought of seeing him again. Why? After all these years would that affect me so much?

I could tell it was him from across the courts. His walk is still the same. He called me Dots, just like always. He looked good, a little grey, a little wrinkled around the eyes. But he looked good. He's losing some of his hair from the mediation he's on for the arthritis, but he looked good.

We made small talk for a while, talked with others. He kept calling me beautiful. Said his body just wasn't the same, that it was failing him. Said that he thought we would have been happy. Kept say......The What If's. That he thinks about me all the time.

I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I cried alot last night. The past flooded through me with such force that I could hardly breath. I thought of the most painful time in our relationship and how we could never take that back. No matter how badly we both wanted to. It's still so very raw in my soul and there isn't a day that I don't think about what happened. I have to wonder if that's what we hold on to, that's the one tie that will bind us forever. Letting go of that could possibly help us let go of the past and each other and really move on.

Thing is that I feel pretty stupid at this point. I mean, seriously! I'm stronger than this. I've been through an awful lot since that point in my life and I'm not proud of falling apart over something so old and obviously so very over. Do we ever really let go of past pain, hurt and guilt or does it just hang on in the dark corners of our souls waiting for the right moment to pounce? Jesus! How pathetic do I sound? I think I'm going to kick my own ass!

Enough. Missed you all! Have a good one.

Shutting down

I've felt myself shutting down a bit lately. I realize that I have an awful lot of self healing that I need to do. But where do you begin. I've been wanting to sleep all the time and I really don't have the energy to accomplish things like I use to. I'm sure it's a bit of depression but I know this too shall pass. I am in my third week with the personal trainer and I really love how I feel when I leave the gym. I have even pushed myself hard to go in on the days in between to do cardio. Sweating always seems to help.

So, I haven't been out here to post because I just don't have anything that exciting. And what little creativity I did have has gone on vacation.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

Love!

It's official........

A little while back, Adora posted about a web site called BeautifulPeople.com. You have to apply to this site, send in a pic and people already accepted get to vote on whether or not you are a "beautiful person". Because I was trying desperately to think of anything else to do besides work, I decided this might be fun. I filled out their little ap and put something short and sweet in my profile. I also attached this picture:

What I didn't realize is that for 3 days after you end in your application, you can log on and watch how people are voting for you. The have this special little line graph that has like 3 different categories where people rank you. Yes, Maybe and Hell No (for lack of me remembering). By the time I realized this, it was too late and all they told me was that 3 men out of Lord knows how many decided that they would be interested in me. Last night I finally received this in my inbox:

BP InfoYour application to BeautifulPeople Network was not successful, the members of BP did not find your profile attractive enough this time round.Please note, that only one in five applicants are currently making it into BeautifulPeople Network.You are more than welcome to try again, perhaps with a better picture or more interesting profile text.We wish you every success.Sincerely,BeautifulPeople NetworkPlease remember you may try again at any time.

Imagine my devastation when I read that I was not considered worth of being added to their wonderful site. I cried hysterically for hours. Mounds of kleenex currently cover my floor and my eyes are nearly swollen completely shut. Right! I was able to read some of the chats going on between some of those "beautiful people" and didn't see anything real beautiful about them. Caddy, bitchy and rude were about it. So, I am happy to say that I am not a beautiful person. I'm real good with not being a beautiful person.

Something kinda fun

I picked this one up off of Newt's blog and thought I would give my brain a little exercise this morning. And considering that we are revisiting our past lately, I figured why not?

Then and Now

Then:

Career: Teacher, Vet
Car: 76 Mustang, two door hatch back, lemon yellow
Boyfriend: JW (from previous post), George Michael, Shaun Cassidy, Andy Gibb
Food: Hostess Blueberry Pies and a can of coke, Domino’s Pepperoni pizza
Clothing: Lee Jeans, my step dads flannel button down shirts, rock concert t-shirts
Movie: Anything with the brat pack
Book: Judy Bloom (Shit! I was totally a girl)
Color: Black
Dream: To move to Montana have 12 children and raise horses
Music: Shaun Cassidy, Andy Gibb, Old time rock: Judas Preist, Aerosmith, Neil Young, all the big hair bands.

Now:

Career: What is that? I need a job to support my kids. Once the baby is graduated maybe I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Car: 67 Chevy Nova
Boyfriend: Taye Diggs (yum), Matthew McConaughey, Heath Ledger
Food: PorterhouseClothing: Jeans that make my butt look good (and I don’t have any lovies), a top that shows the cleavage, and fabulous high heel’d pumps
Movie: Steel Magnolias….gets me every time
Book: The one that stands out the most is A Rose in Winter. Super sappy love story and I loved it.
Color: Pink
Dream: To visit Australia
Music: Chris Daughtry, Counting Crows, 3 doors down, Evanescence. I like all kinds: rock, hip hop, contemporary, country. I could be here all day

Your past has a way of finding you.....

Saturday night we went to Ellsworth for the JoDee Messina Concert. I know, you've already read this in a previous post but I had to restate that in order for me to tell my story.

Anyway, the people I went with is a couple that I hang out with in town. "F" is originally from Columbia. He ended up in WI via a divorce and children. He is now engaged to "K" who is from a small town about 50 miles from where we live now. Giving this information will add to the freakiness of this story, please bear with me.

Ok, so I arrive at F & K's place to head down to Ellsworth for the JoDee Messina Concert. Shit! I keep bringing that up...sorry. F tells me that we need to make a stop on the way to a friends house to drop off some jerky. I would say beef jerky but it was venison jerky. Yes, we do live in WI and they do shoot deer for food, sorry if that offends anyone. It is quiet tasty though. Alright, back to the story.

We are driving to Ellsworth for the JoDee Messina concert when we turn down this one lane gravel driveway. On each side of the 1/4 mile long driveway are trees meticulously placed so they are spaced perfectly apart. At the end of the driveway was a house out of a fairytale. The yard was gorgeous with flowers beds and a garden. F & K are already out of the truck heading towards the house when they waive us in. The garage door opens and out some 4 dogs. 1 Yorkie, 1 Poodle, 1 Shepard and 1 Lab mix. Once in the garage we are greeted by numerous kittens obviously fresh from their mommy. We enter the house and I am oblivious to the owners as I am taken aback by the interior. We follow into the kitchen and stand around the island. F & K are talking to the female home owner and we are asked if we would like a beer from the gentleman standing there. We accept of course and continue gasping at the gorgeous home we are standing in. (we being myself and my sons girlfriend "A") Then the woman looks at A.

Homeowner, "I'm T"
A, "I'm A"
(now looking at me)
"I'm J"

T is now looking at me intently and says: "I recognize you from somewhere."

I am a bit shocked and now wracking my brain as she appears to be quite a bit older than me: "You do?"

T, "are you from SSP?" (my home town)

Me, now wondering if I should answer because I wasn't the best teenager, "Yes"

T, "Oh My God!, J, it's me TW."

With this, I do believe my jaw hit the floor and I nearly messed my pants. I am now standing in the home of a woman who's brother I dated for 5 1/2 years through high school and one year after. He was my first everything. It took me years to get over him, even when I was married. We have history that is both happy and incredibly painful.

We hug and I start asking a million questions about everyone else in the family but her brother "JW". All the while F is sitting there with this "WTF" look on his face. When we finally stop talking for two seconds, I turn to F and explain that I went out with JW for 5 1/2 years. To which he now tell me that JW is one of his best friends! Now I ask you....what are the chances? I haven't seen this woman in 25 years, give or take. And I haven't seen JW for about 17 years. I have a wooden box at home that holds that part of my life. I rarely visit it as it usually requires a box of kleenex and yet here it is, staring me right in the face. I was dumbfounded for about an hour, then the beer sank in my belly and we were feeling much better.

F is convinced that JW and I should meet up for a drink, I don't agree. His wife would have a fit and I'm not one to cause that kind of drama. Not if I can help it anyway!

On my way to a concert with someone that is from another country who now lives in a city away from where I grew up managed to bring my past in to my present. I guess it does haunt you.
***********
On another note, this little buddy was in my hanging flower pot when I let Lucy out this morning.
He just sat there looking at me as if to ask "where is my coffee?". Of course I had to run in and grab my camera.

Have a wonderful and safe 4th everyone. So far, I will be kidless so the dogs and I will be sitting home alone watching movies. ENJOY!

AH HA!

Not only am I posting pictures for this weeks word challenge, but I am doing it early! I'm pinning on my award now.

Finished

JoDee Messina

Saturday night a few of us headed to Ellsworth, WI to the Cheese Curd festival. Yup, that's right, a Cheese Curd festival. This was by far the smallest "fair" I have ever been to. I would say the booths covered approximately one block but offered some very delicious fattening foods. We had curds, tacos, blooming onion and fries. Washed down with a beer (or 2 or 5). The highlight of the evening was the JoDee Massina concert.

She was on stage for 1 1/2 hours and never took a break. She had banter with the audience and sang beautifully. I first heard her a couple years ago and her song, My Give a Damn's Busted, became my theme song. Funny thing is that I didn't realize just how many of her songs I knew. There was one that she sang that I had never heard before and once again I found myself relating to one of her songs.

"I want a man that stands beside me

Not in front of or behind me

Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me

And I'll give all the love in my heart

Stand beside me

Be true, don't tell lies to me

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy

I want a man that who stands beside me"

Sums it up in just a few short lines. Reminds me that country music isn't all that bad. I just choose to shut it off when I require kleenex to get through a song.

My sons girlfriend went with me and another couple and we had a blast. She is just beautiful and I adore her.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Happy Monday!

My 40th!

I was so excited to turn 40 this month. I can't even explain it. 30 sucked big time as 12 days before my birthday I was informed that my husband had 6 - 12 months to live. My 30's were spent caring for him, which as a wife is not a bad thing, but then his drinking got worse and it's all history from there. Being on my own for the past couple of years and now crossing this mile stone brought much excitement for me. And I must admit that hearing people say, "You have a son that's 19? No Way!" or "You're really 40? I thought you were early 30's" kind of helped the transition. I'm happy, truely happy for the first time in years. I have a tight knit group of wonderful friends, I took a vacation to Jamaica alone, my kids are both at home and I am feeling more confident every day. Life is good, live is really good.

I celebrated my birthday with some good friends and my kids. We all went down to the local watering hole and probably celebrating a little more than we should have, but boy did I have fun.

Next to my BFF R, this woman is the greatest. She allows me to totally be me without judgement or expectation. I am so blessed to have them both in my life.

My beautiful step daughter joined us. I hadn't seen her since the funeral in March. She brought me a pin that had flashing lips and said, Kiss Me I'm 40.

The reason for my entire being. These kids are my whole life and I love them more than words can express.

Here's to a new chapter in my life. I'm looking forward to all it has to offer, good and bad.

Check it out!

Newt and I are doing our own personal walk-a-thon this summer. We have a mutual blog friend that was diagnosed with MS and we had considered doing the actual walk for MS. Once we realized the overhead, we thought that we could do this ourselves. So, as of Friday, we have adorned high tech (and they are high tech, I'm still trying to figure out all the buttons) pedometers and will be logging our miles/steps throughout the summer. ALL money raised will go directly to MS research. Check out our blog. There is a link on the left side to donate, if you'd like. Otherwise you can just peek at the fun we will be having with this event.

http://feetsoffancy.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

Much Love,
D

Survey

So I met someone on MySpace and we started chatting about being in relationships with people that are just not good for us. Alcoholics, drug users, drama, etc. We decided last night that we want to start up a support group for other out there just like us. Here's the problem, since we both have horrible track records of picking out someone that has their shit together, I am reaching out to my blog friends for a little help. I am looking for advice on finding a "healthy" partner. Also, for those of you that have also experienced the same thing, what kinds of questions should be asked and what are the "little" signs that you would say someone should be looking for as a prelude to the fact that this person will no doubt bring problems to the relationship. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated.

I thank you, and my fellow MySpace friend thanks you as well.

Just for curiosities sake

I typed up the post below without considering the fact that people have strong imaginations. When talking to my BFF last night, she informed me that when she read my post her mind starting racing on all the possibilities for me being so guilt ridden. So that brings me to this post. I'm curious to know what might have run through your mind on what it was that I could have possibly done Friday night to cause me to be so upset.

These are the possibilities my BFF came up with:

Alien Clowns
Mime
Donkey
Priest

I'm sure you can figure out in what context these possibilites were used. Needless to say, by the end of our conversation, I was laughing my ass off. I also realized that what I did do really wasn't all THAT bad and ultimately I can't change it. I just know that I will never put myself in that type of situation again.

Live and Learn.

Thank you for your comments, they were all very appreciated.

(Much love to my BFF for last night. You are a special gift in my life. To know that I can do something so rediculous and come to you without being judged. And if you are judging...you do a fabulous job of not letting it show! I love ya for that. Now, can we still go shoe shopping?)

How do you let it go?

Guilt. Probably one of the most difficult things to live with and it's really consuming right now. I returned home from Jamaica last night and had a wonderful time. I have some beautiful memories that I will carry with me forever. But something happened Friday night that I am ashamed of. I don't know why I allowed it, but I did and more details flowed to me last night that nearly tore me in two. I had already felt sick over the whole thing as it was, the new information just made it worse.

How do you let it go? How do you release that guilt from within yourself and know that you're still a good person? It's one of those major F*CK ups that you hold inside and would never share with anyone because of the shame that's attached to it.

So, fellow bloggers, have you ever done anything that you were so ashamed of that you won't ever tell anyone about? How did/do you deal with it? How do you truely resolve that within yourself and let it go?

I will post pics tomorrow. It really was a wonderful experience and I look forward to visiting again very soon.

Let's start with WWC..a day late...

I'm combining the words this week in the pictures...Light and Dark.

New puppy

Light coming in on my dark bedspread. (I have new pillows!)

Sexy new shoes! totally unrelated to WWC I know, but I had to show them off.

Now, today is a special day. Today is Lucy's 1st birthday! She has been such a light in my life over the past year. She is always happy, her fur is like silk and even though Newt calls her the Spawn, I love her with my whole heart. So...HAPPY BIRTHDAY Ms. LUCY. Mama loves you so bad!

I would like to introduce....

Tne newest member of our family....Chops. an AKC register, pure bred boxer. He graced our home last night via my son who is lucky that I love him as much as I do. He and Lucy are getting along really well and I'm looking forward to them wearing each other out on a daily basis.

This right here is a face only a mother could love. He looks like an angry old man.

That's about all I got right now. I've been pretty sick the past few days and I'm going to put myself back in bed now.

Oh, one last note. I booked myself a trip to Jamaica for next week. I'm going to an all inclusive resort all by myself for a few days. I've never done something like this before and I'm really excited!

My week

Has been crazy to say the least. I wanted to WWC this week but just didn't have the opportunity to find the right pictures and even blog for that matter. Currently I'm at work but obviously not working. It's suppose to get up to 70 today and I have no interest in being strapped to a cube. The sun is screaming to bake my skin and I want to comply. Damn this job thing! Who decided this was the way to go? I want to kick their ass.

Tuesday night I took one of my new sales reps to the MOA. She is up here for training and loves shoes. We began our evening with dinner at Newt and I's favorite restaraunt. With dinner we partook in a little ditty sweetly named "Lemon Drop". This was my very first Martini and I discovered that it was very good. I also discovered that drinking one and 1/2 of these little lemon drops followed by shopping made for some good entertainment for the sales clerks. I did behave and only left with one pair of shoes, a shirt that was too expensive but looks hot and a sexy new pair of sunglasses. She was a blast and we're talking about me flying down to Virginia Beach to party it up there some time soon.

Last night we had my daughters last choir concert. The kids sing so beautifully that I find myself really enjoying listening. From there, the kids and I headed down to one of the local pubs that has sand pit volleyball games on Wednesday night. The group that I hang out with from town play on one team and we decided it was good to show our support. Having a beer and a beautiful spring night while doing so is just a bonus. Once the games were all finished, my kids and I along with some of the other players hit the court and played a game ourselves. Outside of the fact that the sand was freezing, we had a blast. We shook off our clothes the best we could but when I got home, I dropped trau to hit the shower and could her the sand hitting the floor. Needless to say...I will have extra cleaning duties tonight. Oh hell, they have another game tonight so the sand will have to wait for the weekend!

Speaking of which, the weekend is stacking up to be quite the busy one. Friday night is out with the crew. Saturday morning, drop the dog off at the groomer then off to spend some time with my Newt with a high possibility of a DATE later that night. Sunday is our first official day on the lake at dads where I will be soaking up the rays from the first floatation devise I can get me hands one. We will also be having a polish golf tournament and food on the grill which sounds like a perfect day to me. Monday will be low key with work around the house and hopefully in the yard as long as the weather still holds out.

Enjoy your long weekend everyone!

WWC

The words for this week are 7 and earth. The pictures below are how I interpreted them.

7 pairs of shoes in the shape of a 7.

7 stuffed animals on my daughters shelf

My hell on earth.....my daughters bedroomMy heaven on earth.....my princess bed.
That's what I got. Happy Tuesday!