It's time

It's time to get my priorities straight. I haven't been a very good blogger lately and it's time to get back in to it.

Last night's events inspired me to get out here and write again.

I saw him last night. For the first time in 13 years, since his father's funeral, he came to volleyball. I had spent a better part of my day a nervous wreck at the thought of seeing him again. Why? After all these years would that affect me so much?

I could tell it was him from across the courts. His walk is still the same. He called me Dots, just like always. He looked good, a little grey, a little wrinkled around the eyes. But he looked good. He's losing some of his hair from the mediation he's on for the arthritis, but he looked good.

We made small talk for a while, talked with others. He kept calling me beautiful. Said his body just wasn't the same, that it was failing him. Said that he thought we would have been happy. Kept say......The What If's. That he thinks about me all the time.

I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I cried alot last night. The past flooded through me with such force that I could hardly breath. I thought of the most painful time in our relationship and how we could never take that back. No matter how badly we both wanted to. It's still so very raw in my soul and there isn't a day that I don't think about what happened. I have to wonder if that's what we hold on to, that's the one tie that will bind us forever. Letting go of that could possibly help us let go of the past and each other and really move on.

Thing is that I feel pretty stupid at this point. I mean, seriously! I'm stronger than this. I've been through an awful lot since that point in my life and I'm not proud of falling apart over something so old and obviously so very over. Do we ever really let go of past pain, hurt and guilt or does it just hang on in the dark corners of our souls waiting for the right moment to pounce? Jesus! How pathetic do I sound? I think I'm going to kick my own ass!

Enough. Missed you all! Have a good one.

Shutting down

I've felt myself shutting down a bit lately. I realize that I have an awful lot of self healing that I need to do. But where do you begin. I've been wanting to sleep all the time and I really don't have the energy to accomplish things like I use to. I'm sure it's a bit of depression but I know this too shall pass. I am in my third week with the personal trainer and I really love how I feel when I leave the gym. I have even pushed myself hard to go in on the days in between to do cardio. Sweating always seems to help.

So, I haven't been out here to post because I just don't have anything that exciting. And what little creativity I did have has gone on vacation.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

Love!

It's official........

A little while back, Adora posted about a web site called BeautifulPeople.com. You have to apply to this site, send in a pic and people already accepted get to vote on whether or not you are a "beautiful person". Because I was trying desperately to think of anything else to do besides work, I decided this might be fun. I filled out their little ap and put something short and sweet in my profile. I also attached this picture:

What I didn't realize is that for 3 days after you end in your application, you can log on and watch how people are voting for you. The have this special little line graph that has like 3 different categories where people rank you. Yes, Maybe and Hell No (for lack of me remembering). By the time I realized this, it was too late and all they told me was that 3 men out of Lord knows how many decided that they would be interested in me. Last night I finally received this in my inbox:

BP InfoYour application to BeautifulPeople Network was not successful, the members of BP did not find your profile attractive enough this time round.Please note, that only one in five applicants are currently making it into BeautifulPeople Network.You are more than welcome to try again, perhaps with a better picture or more interesting profile text.We wish you every success.Sincerely,BeautifulPeople NetworkPlease remember you may try again at any time.

Imagine my devastation when I read that I was not considered worth of being added to their wonderful site. I cried hysterically for hours. Mounds of kleenex currently cover my floor and my eyes are nearly swollen completely shut. Right! I was able to read some of the chats going on between some of those "beautiful people" and didn't see anything real beautiful about them. Caddy, bitchy and rude were about it. So, I am happy to say that I am not a beautiful person. I'm real good with not being a beautiful person.

Something kinda fun

I picked this one up off of Newt's blog and thought I would give my brain a little exercise this morning. And considering that we are revisiting our past lately, I figured why not?

Then and Now

Then:

Career: Teacher, Vet
Car: 76 Mustang, two door hatch back, lemon yellow
Boyfriend: JW (from previous post), George Michael, Shaun Cassidy, Andy Gibb
Food: Hostess Blueberry Pies and a can of coke, Domino’s Pepperoni pizza
Clothing: Lee Jeans, my step dads flannel button down shirts, rock concert t-shirts
Movie: Anything with the brat pack
Book: Judy Bloom (Shit! I was totally a girl)
Color: Black
Dream: To move to Montana have 12 children and raise horses
Music: Shaun Cassidy, Andy Gibb, Old time rock: Judas Preist, Aerosmith, Neil Young, all the big hair bands.

Now:

Career: What is that? I need a job to support my kids. Once the baby is graduated maybe I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Car: 67 Chevy Nova
Boyfriend: Taye Diggs (yum), Matthew McConaughey, Heath Ledger
Food: PorterhouseClothing: Jeans that make my butt look good (and I don’t have any lovies), a top that shows the cleavage, and fabulous high heel’d pumps
Movie: Steel Magnolias….gets me every time
Book: The one that stands out the most is A Rose in Winter. Super sappy love story and I loved it.
Color: Pink
Dream: To visit Australia
Music: Chris Daughtry, Counting Crows, 3 doors down, Evanescence. I like all kinds: rock, hip hop, contemporary, country. I could be here all day

Your past has a way of finding you.....

Saturday night we went to Ellsworth for the JoDee Messina Concert. I know, you've already read this in a previous post but I had to restate that in order for me to tell my story.

Anyway, the people I went with is a couple that I hang out with in town. "F" is originally from Columbia. He ended up in WI via a divorce and children. He is now engaged to "K" who is from a small town about 50 miles from where we live now. Giving this information will add to the freakiness of this story, please bear with me.

Ok, so I arrive at F & K's place to head down to Ellsworth for the JoDee Messina Concert. Shit! I keep bringing that up...sorry. F tells me that we need to make a stop on the way to a friends house to drop off some jerky. I would say beef jerky but it was venison jerky. Yes, we do live in WI and they do shoot deer for food, sorry if that offends anyone. It is quiet tasty though. Alright, back to the story.

We are driving to Ellsworth for the JoDee Messina concert when we turn down this one lane gravel driveway. On each side of the 1/4 mile long driveway are trees meticulously placed so they are spaced perfectly apart. At the end of the driveway was a house out of a fairytale. The yard was gorgeous with flowers beds and a garden. F & K are already out of the truck heading towards the house when they waive us in. The garage door opens and out some 4 dogs. 1 Yorkie, 1 Poodle, 1 Shepard and 1 Lab mix. Once in the garage we are greeted by numerous kittens obviously fresh from their mommy. We enter the house and I am oblivious to the owners as I am taken aback by the interior. We follow into the kitchen and stand around the island. F & K are talking to the female home owner and we are asked if we would like a beer from the gentleman standing there. We accept of course and continue gasping at the gorgeous home we are standing in. (we being myself and my sons girlfriend "A") Then the woman looks at A.

Homeowner, "I'm T"
A, "I'm A"
(now looking at me)
"I'm J"

T is now looking at me intently and says: "I recognize you from somewhere."

I am a bit shocked and now wracking my brain as she appears to be quite a bit older than me: "You do?"

T, "are you from SSP?" (my home town)

Me, now wondering if I should answer because I wasn't the best teenager, "Yes"

T, "Oh My God!, J, it's me TW."

With this, I do believe my jaw hit the floor and I nearly messed my pants. I am now standing in the home of a woman who's brother I dated for 5 1/2 years through high school and one year after. He was my first everything. It took me years to get over him, even when I was married. We have history that is both happy and incredibly painful.

We hug and I start asking a million questions about everyone else in the family but her brother "JW". All the while F is sitting there with this "WTF" look on his face. When we finally stop talking for two seconds, I turn to F and explain that I went out with JW for 5 1/2 years. To which he now tell me that JW is one of his best friends! Now I ask you....what are the chances? I haven't seen this woman in 25 years, give or take. And I haven't seen JW for about 17 years. I have a wooden box at home that holds that part of my life. I rarely visit it as it usually requires a box of kleenex and yet here it is, staring me right in the face. I was dumbfounded for about an hour, then the beer sank in my belly and we were feeling much better.

F is convinced that JW and I should meet up for a drink, I don't agree. His wife would have a fit and I'm not one to cause that kind of drama. Not if I can help it anyway!

On my way to a concert with someone that is from another country who now lives in a city away from where I grew up managed to bring my past in to my present. I guess it does haunt you.
***********
On another note, this little buddy was in my hanging flower pot when I let Lucy out this morning.
He just sat there looking at me as if to ask "where is my coffee?". Of course I had to run in and grab my camera.

Have a wonderful and safe 4th everyone. So far, I will be kidless so the dogs and I will be sitting home alone watching movies. ENJOY!