It's time to get my priorities straight. I haven't been a very good blogger lately and it's time to get back in to it.
Last night's events inspired me to get out here and write again.
I saw him last night. For the first time in 13 years, since his father's funeral, he came to volleyball. I had spent a better part of my day a nervous wreck at the thought of seeing him again. Why? After all these years would that affect me so much?
I could tell it was him from across the courts. His walk is still the same. He called me Dots, just like always. He looked good, a little grey, a little wrinkled around the eyes. But he looked good. He's losing some of his hair from the mediation he's on for the arthritis, but he looked good.
We made small talk for a while, talked with others. He kept calling me beautiful. Said his body just wasn't the same, that it was failing him. Said that he thought we would have been happy. Kept say......The What If's. That he thinks about me all the time.
I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I cried alot last night. The past flooded through me with such force that I could hardly breath. I thought of the most painful time in our relationship and how we could never take that back. No matter how badly we both wanted to. It's still so very raw in my soul and there isn't a day that I don't think about what happened. I have to wonder if that's what we hold on to, that's the one tie that will bind us forever. Letting go of that could possibly help us let go of the past and each other and really move on.
Thing is that I feel pretty stupid at this point. I mean, seriously! I'm stronger than this. I've been through an awful lot since that point in my life and I'm not proud of falling apart over something so old and obviously so very over. Do we ever really let go of past pain, hurt and guilt or does it just hang on in the dark corners of our souls waiting for the right moment to pounce? Jesus! How pathetic do I sound? I think I'm going to kick my own ass!
Enough. Missed you all! Have a good one.
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5 comments:
Oh my goodness. You brought back emotions for me. The first time I saw my ex after 11 years I identified him from across a crowded parking lot from behind by the way he walked.
What ifs can be fun, but if they trap us in the past, they can be hurtful.
You are strong.
I don't think you sound pathetic at all.
I think you sound insightful and introspective.
As for letting go of past pain - I'm working on that - I have far more questions than answers.
Ya know, this SO helps me understand the saying "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." it's a wonder we can't lift tall buildings by the time we are old.
You aren't pathetic. I think we all have pasts that haunt us with what if's and wonderings. I still cry at times over someone I left behind years ago. It happens.
the wise ladies all above me share very good things sweet nettie. I think all you shared about what has happened inside you after this reconnect is very genuine and real. Nothing pathetic in any way shape or form. I think letting go of wounds from the past vary in how they happen depending on how deep the wound went. I can tell by your writing you also are a charter member of the *way too hard on myself but cant not do it* club lol may we all find ways to be kinder to ourselves!!! Hope you keep finding renewed energy and insights my friend.
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